


Remember

by fidelisinfinitum



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Break Up and Make Up, Catholicism, Future Fic, Growing Up, M/M, Sonny-centric, a teeny bit, most other characters are mentioned but I won't tag them bc they're not important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 13:52:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13882200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidelisinfinitum/pseuds/fidelisinfinitum
Summary: re·mem·berrəˈmembərverbhave in or be able to bring to one's mind an awareness of (someone or something that one has seen, known, or experienced in the past).





	Remember

Sonny can remember being five and staring out his window at night, hours after he should have been asleep, the sirens on police cars in the distance echoing throughout his quiet neighborhood. He can remember watching for the flashing lights and the next morning holding them close like a secret, making up stories about them on the school bus. 

Sonny can remember being seven, reading detective novels stolen from his parents' bookshelf the same way a small child would sneak a cookie from the cookie jar. He can remember trying to figure the words with only a flashlight under the covers. He remembers checking out crime thrillers from the public library, and getting his card revoked because he could never remember to return them. 

Sonny can remember being eight and watching cop shows and detective movies that he was really too young for. He can remember his parents going out for date night and his sisters plopping him down in front of the tv and turning Die Hard or something on because they knew as long as he was watching they could do whatever they wanted. He can remember being bathed in blue light, Gina and Theresa's soft snores mere white noise in the background as Bella wrapped a blanket around herself and leaned on his shoulder, eyes wide as they watched the detectives speak in jargon they thought they'd never understand. 

Sonny can remember being ten and blurting out that he wanted to be a lawyer to put bad people in jail when he was in fourth grade, and the whole class laughed. He shrunk down in his seat, face burning, knowing nobody would ever take him seriously. After school, Billy Falucci and John Aldi told him that he'd have to be a liar to be a lawyer, and lying was a sin. They asked him if he wanted to be a sinner. Sonny told them to shut up, but a small part of him wondered if maybe he already was. 

Sonny can remember being thirteen and knowing he was different. He can remember wondering why it was him, what he had done, and that was why it was a secret. He can remember looking at himself in the mirror when no one was home and wondering if people could tell. Sonny can remember thinking that they must, because why else would they not like him? 

Sonny can remember being fourteen and high at some party Gina had driven him to, then abandoned him to hang out with her senior friends. He was out in the woods behind someone's (it wasn't like he even knew him, it was some junior he'd never heard of) house with a red cup in his right hand and his first joint in the other. He was walking with a junior boy named Vinny Albani, and Sonny wasn't sure exactly how it happened but suddenly Vinny was kissing him and Sonny was kissing him back, and the alarm bells in the back of his brain were dampened by the pot and the alcohol until all Sonny could hear was his breath. It was his first kiss, besides Jenny Hatfield at the eighth grade dance, and that had only been on the cheek anyway, so Sonny kept kissing him. 

Sonny can remember being sixteen and wanting to cry in the confession booth because he was lying to the father and lying was a sin, something to confess, but he couldn't, and it just kept going. He walked out and slid into Benny De Blasi's car and he started driving far away, far enough that they could find a secluded place to pull over somewhere and make out. He went over extra Hail Marys in his head before he did, as if that would assuage his guilt any. 

Sonny can remember being eighteen and confused, because even if it seems like the biggest time of his life, no one is paying attention. He's written his college essays, applied to everywhere he has a feasible chance of getting into, but even though he's chosen his school, no one seems to care. Gina and Theresa are already in college, almost ready to come home now, and Bella is caught up in her own sophomore life. His parents, all they ask is if he needs money for books or applications, even though it's long past due. 

Sonny can remember being twenty and unsure of almost everything about him. He misses high school and his old friends, but he relishes in the freedom his new life gives him. The freedom to kiss who he wants when he wants. The freedom to not worry about what his parents or the priest would say. The freedom that comes with not going home for Thanksgiving and lying to his parents. 

Sonny can remember being twenty-three and going to his first pride. He's single, he goes with friends who lose him and he guesses that he's there alone then. He has rainbow flags painted on his cheeks and he prays that no one from home will be there, no one that knows someone who knows him, no one who will tell. Because even surrounded by all of these people celebrating who they are, he's still afraid of who he is. 

Sonny can remember being thirty-two and still closeted. He can remember walking into work after being transferred after a stint of only three days and meeting the man who he's sure will be his downfall. He's handsome and confident and Sonny's already trying to impress him. Sonny watches him practice law and falls in love too soon. 

Sonny can remember being thirty-three and in love. It's the greatest thing in the world, he thinks, and he's floating on air. Everything's going the right way, even if work has been crazier than ever, everyone's there and everyone's safe. Sonny can remember the security that came with no knowledge of the future, and, for that matter, no knowledge of the present. He can remember wanting him to meet his parents. 

Sonny can remember being thirty-four and angry. He's angry for Dodds, he's angry for Olivia, he's angry at Barba, he's angry at himself. He can remember yelling, arguing with legal terms that should have been "I'm sorry" and "I love you" but Sonny had never been good at that, not when it came to relationships. So he remained stupid and alone. And angry. 

Sonny can remember being thirty-five and sobbing, because the man he loves, the man he never really reconciled with has left. He cries deeply, his stomach hurting, and he wants to do it all over again. He can remember the cold way he talked to Stone after, and the way he keeps finding little ways to hate him. 

Sonny is thirty six and everything worked out. He grew up, he figured his shit out, and, partly because of Amanda's insistence, reached out to Barba. They sit on the couch now, they don't talk about work now, but Sonny thinks that they love each other just as much now. He has a ring in a box in the bottom of his sock drawer, but there's no pressure now. He knows they have time. "I love you," he says, fingers intertwined with the other man's. "Love you too," he says, and Sonny knows this is what he wanted all his life.


End file.
